Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
