took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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