She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
