After last night, I could never be a politician.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
