i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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