I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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