I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
