How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
