i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
