Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Randomize
