Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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