I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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