If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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