apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
