i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
