you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
