I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
