dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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