you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
