what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
either way he was missing a nipple.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
