nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
