You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
