All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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