he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
