she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
