I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
