my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
