did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We need to get me chipped asap
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
