420 ftw
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sacagawea was the original milf.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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