I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Farmville is her only friend.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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