I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
