shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize