So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
