She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize