I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
