my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
