Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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