can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
