i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
