1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
