yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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