and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
