I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
