it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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