she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
