Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My bed smells like the plague
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