remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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