i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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