things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
