she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
