OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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