Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
