Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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