All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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