man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
