so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
