After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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