I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You are the jesus of drinking
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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