So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
