DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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