Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
