Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
