3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
