So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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