I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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