Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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